One Sweet Dream

Hello, I’m a 3.6 and 2100 on my SAT’s.

The further into my high school career I go, the more my face, name, and personality gets traded out for a couple of numbers. It seems as though modern high school is becoming less about personal growth through learning, and more about preparing your resume for Dream College.

Even before high school, college always seemed like it was the end of the road; it was something that was always on my mind, sometimes stressful, sometimes very exciting. In middle school, I made a video about where I wanted to be in four years. Looking back on it, I cringe. I quote my mock senior year statement:

Well, I am a high school senior now! I got a 4.0 unweighted, and I got a 1500 on my SATs. High school was great. There was a lot peer pressure to go to parties and have sex, but I tried to stay away from all that. I set the state record for the high jump, and have 8 varsity letters in 2 different sports, and I’ve acted in 3 plays. I’m the captain of the debate team, and I’m the editor for the school newspaper. I also got into Princeton, Stanford, Yale, and UCLA.

“Um, what?”, I think now. Who did I think I would become? Who is this person, and when do they have time to breathe? Did I think high school was like Gilmore Girls? Yes, actually, I did... but let’s keep that a secret.

Original artwork by LindseaFreshman year was this impossible dream attempting to be lived out, because I thought it was necessary for me to get into that Dream College. Unable to see outside myself, I had tunnel vision on my one goal of getting into Dream College. Learning was important to me, but secondary to the grade I got in the class. Obsessed with getting all A’s, I studied non-stop in the library and at home. I practiced for the notorious SAT, three years ahead of time.

My perspective has shifted since then. The closer I get to college, the more I see that college isn’t this big illustrious dream like it was in middle school and freshman year. It’s kind of like seeing a giant walking on the street and realizing later that it wasn’t that the giant was big, but rather that the street was small.

People (specifically those who are most influential in my life) tell me (good-heartedly, with the best of intentions) that in order to get far in life x, y, and z need to happen, letting x=good grades/good resume, y=prestigious college, and z=good (read: well-paying) job. Though it may be partially true, is that the kind of limiting dream that students should have? Where is the room for growth, experimentation, living? Why does society set these parameters for success?

The path of x, y, and z has been stomped clean of passion, of adventure.

This is something that has been so rigorously conditioned in students: fear of the unusual. This is because the unusual is sometimes regarded as “failing,” at least at the time. For 13 years we go to school, learn curriculum, take tests, read books, etc., all within the context of x, y, and z. Each year we are taught about facts and figures, and tested on them—with the importance being placed on the good score. We get good grades, graduate from elementary, then middle, and finally high school. Mistakes are counter-intuitive to students growing up in the school system, because mistakes are usually connected to the Big Red Pen of Death (bad grades).

What I’ve painfully learned through my own mistakes: it’s easy to live the expected and conventional. It’s when you live the unexpected that you start having fun with your life.

Left with a fresh canvas and a complete set of crayons, I plan to take my own future in my hands, all the while retaining who I am—not my numeric representation.

But what do the rest of you plan to do?

  1. Original artwork by Lindsea

About Lindsea

I'm a student who loves writing, making films and music, nature, listening to NPR obsessively and adventure. Loves: art, books, education, deliciously trashy/low budget/deep/well done/indie/obscure/foriegn/old/horror films, fire breathing butterflies, going out, live music, downloading music, listening to music, dancing insanely to music, neohippies, Beatles, poetry, postmodernism, traveling, geekery.

34 Responses to “One Sweet Dream”


  1. 1 Mike
    Now that is why I stayed subscribed to this blog despite some of the seemingly whiny first posts.

    I don’t need to hear about why the high school these kids attend sucks because they don’t teach right etc etc

    This is what I want, because this is all about your story.

    I cannot tell you how amazed I am. Not only did I feel like I was back in high school remembering how I felt nearing graduation and seeking entrance to Dream College. Your use of that phrase alone will stick with me as I look at my own students and the pressure they are feeling to prepare for graduation.

    I am unbelievably curious what you plan to do! I’m in suspense! Does taking your future into your hands mean no college? Does it mean finding a school with a program you can be passionate about? Does it mean becoming a young entrepreneur? You sucked me into your vortex, and have left me wanting more more more!

    On a more serious note, I do think a formal higher education has a lot of value. Around my part of the USA a formal education is requisite and there is little passion-based work. I’m not necessarily saying that work is the end goal but higher education is also not just a means to an end. The journey of college is outstanding, and depending on where you go, can provide a lifetime of memories, new cultural experiences (I’ll tell you my story some time) and friendships.

    I’ll stop, because I don’t know where you’re going with this, but I am begging you to not let this be the end of your story. I need the story to go on!

    Thanks for starting my morning off right, and tell the others on this blog to take a cue from you!

    Mike

  2. 2 Brad Hart
    College unfortunately is treated like the end of the road which is why so many people go and so many people fail out their first year. High school neither prepares you for college or life for that matter. It is simple a journey through the number machine where the school board has to justify the school systems existence to the local communities and higher authorities. They get to keep playing if they get an average weighted score of x(a) + y(b) + z(c) ≥ perceived value of success.

    The biggest part of this equation is (a) which is the number of seniors who get into college which presupposes graduation which is (c) and the least importance. The hardest to quantify and usually the most subjective is (b) which is how you measure up to other schools.

    Colleges aren’t really much better in this notion. I think it should be a prerequisite for federal financial aid that all colleges give thurough first term career counseling and make sure every time your major strays off course from that job choice you have to come in for another session. While there is value in a liberal arts degree in terms of thinking, most college and college students believe dribble like the way one becomes author is by getting an English degree. Education, especially expensive publicly financed education should have an end goal for it and it should not be as generic as list... job.

  3. 3 a. woody delauder
    “What I’ve painfully learned through my own mistakes: it’s easy to live the expected and conventional.”
    ...and this is why our education system is 200 years old! It’s just too easy to stay on the same path. One thing that you need to remember is that you have been training and preparing (13 years) for a job that doesn’t exist yet. Creativity and creation lie in your future.
  4. 4 Anne
    Dear Brad,

    Do you really think the only thing you should ever learn in college is what directly applies to the job you think you want? Why don’t you value the learning that is just *interesting*? Just because I don’t actually use my minor in ancient Greek and Roman history, just because there is no box on my paycheck referring to my course in Arthurian history and literature, does that mean I shouldn’t have taken them? What about my courses in economics and accounting? I’m not “using them” so were they useless?

  5. 5 sylvia martinez
    Nice post, Lindsea. The good news is that there is a lot more choice in colleges than there is in high school. If you look, there are colleges that take a firm stand about not allowing grades and rankings to drive their courses. My daughter is attending Bard College in NY, and we were greatly helped in our search for these kinds of schools by a book by Loren Pope called “Colleges that Changes Lives”
  6. 6 Brad Hart
    Anne-
    I didn’t say all college classes must apply to your choice of jobs, but you need to to be able to justify straying too far from the path too often. Since you wish to demonize me for my post let me expound on the notion that you set forth. Learning for the sake of it being interesting is great, but not something I think we as the public should be excessively financing, it is bad fiscal policy. As someone who has taken an economics class you should be able to understand that, if you can’t then the class was most certainly a waste.

    I won’t begrudge someone a minor in any subject no matter how irrelevant to your major/job it is. A minor in most colleges usually amounts to less than one class per term, and not something I would call excessive. My problem lies colleges giving false hope of a job in your field of study and then helping you poor huge amounts of money into their coffers. I am sure your study of ancient cultures and legends has made you an interesting person to talk to, assuming you remember anything relevant on those topics. Of course most of that could have been more cheaply gained by simply picking up a book every time you go to the library.

    If we had to justify our choice of major and someone came up saying the wanted to major in Greek and Roman history, I would be forced to ask the question, “WHY?”. It wouldn’t be a facetious question either, the ancient Greeks and Romans were fascinating. However without some sort of relevant justification beyond them being fascinating I would have a hard time handing out thousands of dollars a year for it. Your life might be enriched, the college’s profitability might increase, but it is a bad use of publicly guaranteed money.

    BTW As the above financial aid officer had you said you wanted to be a history teacher and specialize in that, I would have been more than happy to say here is your money and here is enough that you can double major if you want to.

  7. 7 Karl
    Lets not take anything away from the original post by allowing our comments to digress. There really is no need to fear...the only person who can put you in a box is yourself! We are all free to make our own choices and that freedom becomes increasingly apparent as we progress through life. As well, the consequences of said choices become increasingly more clear both for good and for bad. The only thing that keeps us shackled is our own perception. “Free you mind and the rest will follow!” Placing the blame entirely on systems, institutions, organizations, and other people is simply living in denial of the part we play. It is the most important part. No one can deny, or deter you from living exactly the kind of life you want to live.
  8. 8 Kevin X
    You know exactly what I am talking about Lindea! The fact that we have been reduced to a bunch of numbers is meaningless. We are students with personalities and I wish colleges found a way to notice that.

    I have recently taken up interest in a website called Zinch.com and they want to help the average student by showing colleges that “We are more than a test score.” It is really worth checking out!

  9. 9 Diane Cordell
    Nice to hear your voice again, Lindsea!

    Where did your Middle School self get the drive and ambition to aspire to that Dream School? Was the motivation internal or external?

    Grades mattered a great deal to me in high school, less so in college because I found other ways to define myself. Perhaps if blogs had existed when I was younger, I would have been able to express my goals, dreams, value as an individual, through something other than academic honors.

    The fact that you are questioning the “expected and conventional” augers well for that future which you are trying to prepare for.

    The best advice I can give you is to be open to possibilities. See where life takes you, and enjoy the journey.

    diane

  10. 10 Lindsea
    Thanks for all of your comments so far. Here are some responses (sorry I didn’t get back early–I was taking a well need rest now that finals week is over)

    First off:
    Mike- I agree with you that a formal high school education is important. I know that I’ve learned some invaluable lessons. I’m flattered that you like my story, but let me remind you that this blog is about each of our unique voices and stories and complaints, etc from our respective perspectives. It’s good that we’re all different, and so it’s not my place to be cue-ing the other members.

    A. Woody- Word.

    Sylvia- That sounds really great, I’ll check out that book. I’m looking for a different college experience, hopefully one that involves lots of travel, learning and the encouragement of creativity.

    Karl- I do agree that we shouldn’t put the blame on the systems for “forcing” us to live without total freedom. You’re right, that’s denial. Yes, we each can have all the freedom we want, we just have to ask for it from ourselves. But it doesn’t make sense to have systems that try and pound the exact opposite of that idea into our young heads. Why should we be punished for thinking those thoughts of freedom? Shouldn’t we be celebrated for taking our own freedom in our hands and walking down the untrodden path, so to speak?

    Kevin X- Thanks for the recommendation!

    Diane- Nice to hear from you again too! :) The motivation in middle school was both intrinsic and extrinsic. I have a three generation legacy at the Dream College I was talking about, and my dad has taken me to visit ever since I was very little. I fell in love with the campus, and the surrounding city. I have had a passion for learning since Junior Kindergarten, and Dream College has some great teachers and a HUGE library. It was my goal for most of my life to go to that college. Now I’ve eased up a bit on that goal, and although I still want to go there, I’m looking at other colleges to match the person who I’ve now become. Or maybe not going to college at all! Who knows?

    Being open to possibilities, and just enjoying the journey is advice I hope to live by.

  11. 11 Stacy
    Brain Twin, I cannot say anything constructive other than yes, going through that right now. You’ve managed to articulate everything I’ve been trying to say for the past, oh, year and a half. :)

    FYI, I think my future post might tie into yours a bit.

  12. 12 Blair
    Thanks Lindsea, it’s interesting to see this situation from another perspective.

    As I went through high school I had a sense of the direction I wanted to go - if not exactly where it would take me. A result of this was that I saw school as a means rather than the end. Something to be worked at and enjoyed and USED, but not taken too seriously.

    I think personal passions are an important way of developing this attitude. They help give us a sense of ourself that is not dependant on grades or a vague “and in 10 years you’ll have a good job”.

  13. 13 Carolyn Foote
    Lindsea,

    Your quote :”This is something that has been so rigorously conditioned in students: fear of the unusual. This is because the unusual is sometimes regarded as “failing,” at least at the time” is right on.

    I think it applies to teachers as well. Somehow we have created environments that reward conformity more than innovativeness.
    I think schools have a lot of thinking to do about how to support both innovative teachers and students.

    By the way, I second the book recommendation. Loren Pope’s book has a lot of interesting colleges that are smaller and more diverse.

    You also might check out the Colleges of Distinction website–which points out some lesser known colleges where teaching is the focus (and I assume, learning!) http://www.collegesofdistinction.com/

    I sense there is some movement in the colleges, particularly smaller ones, to focus more on the “whole” student, not simply test scores.

    You are right to find your own way. As the old cliche goes....life is in the journey, not the destination!

  14. 14 Clay Burell
    I was too busy dealing with bullying-induced depression throughout high school to even plan for college. After escaping my hometown and making my way to the West Coast (LA), and discovering the joys of literature through a friend who shared a reading list with me, I decided I wanted to go to college.

    I liked it so much, I never tried to get out. I took classes, on and off, for the next 15 years. I only graduated because my university told me I had too many credits to qualify for any further loans - and I graduated with honors, Phi Beta Kappa, and all that biz.

    But not because I was trying to climb any ladders or income brackets. I just loved the journey. And still do.

    I’m not recommending this, of course. I’m only saying that, after one train-wreck of a high school/college prep experience, I still found a way to happiness. I guess I’m also saying I’m aghast at the hype of the college competition racket. How choosing misery is a ticket to happiness, or a badge of wisdom, I’ll leave to someone else to explain. ;)

  15. 15 Arthus Erea
    Lindsea, great post. Though I have yet to get into the college application process, I can certainly sympathize with your feeling of being a number. This is especially evident in the public school system—school districts always want lots of statistics to throw at voters when it gets to budget time. When we focus so much on standardized test scores and the like, the individuals behind them are lost.

    Carolyn, I agree about small schools. That website (http://www.collegesofdistinction.com/) is blocked by my school filter. Do they NOT want us to learn of alternative routes through college?

  16. 16 Aaron
    Great issues you bring up. I agree with Karl’s earlier comment (as do you).
    Instead of speaking to the content, though, I simply wanted to say that you are a talented writer. Keep it up.
  17. 17 mrsdurff
    When I grow up and go to college, I would like to study literacy and integrating technology into everything. When I grow up I would love to be a learner - wonder if I have a chance at that?
  18. 18 David Truss
    A wonderful, reflective post.
    When I read this:

    “Mistakes are counter-intuitive to students growing up in the school system, because mistakes are usually connected to the Big Red Pen of Death (bad grades).
    What I’ve painfully learned through my own mistakes: it’s easy to live the expected and conventional. It’s when you live the unexpected that you start having fun with your life.”

    I thought not so much of my mistakes, but of the ’side trips’ that I took along the way... the unexpected avenues.
    Can we intentionally create unexpected experiences? Or do they just have to happen ‘to’ us? How can I invite these opportunities into my life?

    “You can learn more about a [person] in an hour of play, than in a year of conversation.”

  19. 19 Bill Fitzgerald
    Hello, Lindsea,

    I read this post when it first came out a couple days ago, and held off on commenting as I was curious where the comment trail would go.

    RE: “giant walking on the street and realizing later that it wasn’t that the giant was big, but rather that the street was small.”

    This is a great metaphor, and it reveals a big truth that the college application/test prep market doesn’t want high school students to know: there are a lot of great colleges out there, and you can get a great education at any of them.

    Using your “small street” metaphor, one of the best features of leaving high school for college is that you have an opportunity to live in an entirely new place. When you are choosing a college, you aren’t just choosing a school. You are choosing a home. Find a college that has a range of things you want to do when you are not in class.

    The test prep companies drive a lot of the hype behind college pressure, as their profits depend on your parents getting worried enough to shell out mucho greenbacks so you can sit through classes designed to get you extra points on the SATs/APs.

    (As an aside, I would love to see an entire high school class, nationwide, boycott the SATs/APs. The Educational Testing Service would suffer an enormous loss of revenue, as they would not take in the testing fees from a few million students (aka, the captive audience, aka, you). If enough students boycotted the exam to affect the statistical significance of the test, colleges would need to find a different way to evaluate students — and colleges would find a way to evaluate and admit students, because, while they also don’t want you to know this, colleges need you — and your tuition dollars — to continue to exist.)

    But I digress :) . One last thing, though. Once you are done with college, you will probably proceed out looking for work. For the first year or two out after college, when you build your resume you will probably include your college GPA alongside your year of graduation. I’ve even seen resumes of recent college grads that included their high school GPA. However, after you have been out of college for longer than two years, no one cares about GPAs. On occasion, I have had resumes cross my desk that included a college GPA of an applicant in their late 20’s. On seeing a resume like this, I have a hard time getting past this place: has this person done so little that they need to highlight their GPA?

    A focus on GPA indicates a lack of understanding of things that have real, lasting merit. Getting good grades is great, but sampling widely of the world around you is better.

    Cheers,

    Bill

  20. 20 Lindsea
    Carolyn- I agree with you about teachers finding a comfortable niche and staying there. Experimentation in the classroom and getting out of the usual homework/test/etc comfort zone is key. Thanks for the website and book rec, I’ll definitely check them out (hopefully with Christmas money). I am desperate for alternative resources to finding the perfect college match.

    Clay- A year ago I thought that I never wanted to leave school (college), and that I would just learn as much as I possibly could from college. Sounds like you had a good experience at college doing something similar.

    Arthus- You are a freshie, as you know. I hope that you never have to feel this pressure when you get to be the ripe old age of sixteen. Maybe you will, who knows. But you are incredibly smart and driven, so I’m sure you’ll do whatever you want to do with your life. And I agree, the public school system needs to adjust their priorities and stop turning us into little black numbers on a non-recycled piece of paper.

    Aaron- Thanks for the compliment :)

    Mrs. D- Follow your heart.

    David- Side trips, mistakes, successes, failures, whatever you want to call them, they all change us (we decide if it’s for better or worse). I’m not sure if the experiences can be intentionally created, but I know that they can be inspired by greatness. For me, something as simple as a great film can light my proverbial fire. I guess we all have to decide for ourselves whether they happen ‘to’ us or because of choices and thoughts that we have made. Being open to the extraordinary always worked for me vis a vis the opportunities. Or you can always pet baby Jesus’s cow (like Augusten Boroughs). Here is my queue to leave because otherwise I may go on typing forever.

  21. 21 jeff hogan
    I just can’t believe you managed to do all that while in Hawaii!

    It scares me to think how different my education could have been if I wasn’t stuck in a small town in Texas with minimal distractions.

    I hope your winter break is going well — I’m currently surrounded by snow in Colorado; but, I imagine you are probably at the beach today!

  22. 22 Jim B
    Lindsey,
    You have identified a key element lacking in public education. The absence of a support structure that both challenges students creative capacities and then opens up or helps them to creates a portal for them to examine the outer limits of thaeir creativity within the context of their spiritual and cognitive capacities is weak at best.The answer lies partly in creating real world learning environments. Even these won’t help though unless the individual becomes aware that there creative capacities have been self limited mostly becauase they bought into the agreement that this is the status quo and one shouldn’t rock the boat.You may wish to read the Four Agreements by
    Don Ruiz. He identifies the problem and offers up some exercises to overcome the generational,cultural and social agreements that we are all programed with from birth.
  23. 23 linda bjork
    Lindsea,

    May I use your art work of the library stacks? I would like to give you credit when I use the clipart. I am a librarian and I liked your work. So I am asking for your permission. If not - I’ll survive.

  24. 24 Lindsea
    Yeah, of course you can! I’m glad you liked it.
  25. 25 Jim Walker
    I am a special ed teacher in a vocational high school and for most of the students I work with college is not a dream but a nightmare. All around them their parents, siblings, peers talk about how great it will be when they can go to college. Most of the students in the program will not get a high school diploma because they will not be able to pass the state required test for graduation. Some students have taken the test 3 times and have gotten no closer. Every year I see the fear and anger in their eyes as the testing date draws closer. These are good kids who come to school every days and work to their ability level. But every year the systems says, “You’re not good enough!”
    For the students who complete their education in the vocational programs they have a real opportunity to get jobs right out of school. We constantly remind the students that a college education does not make a happy adult. Learning the value of self-respect and taking charge of your own learning will get you where you want to go.
  26. 26 NovelDame
    Thank you SO much for writing about this! Being a current senior myself, its been hard to voice my opinion about how the grading scale tests our abilities to be parrots and not what we actually absorbed. I have been lucky enough to have been taught by a handful of teachers throughout my life that have kept my spark for learning alive. I also believe that the requirements to get into college are based on the same repeat-after-me skills that are used in the classroom which eventually deprives the most worthy students of the education they crave. I myself have a GPA of 2.5, which says nothing about the kind of student I am but speaks volumes about my willingness to be a lemming of the school district.
    I believe that its disappointing to know that some of the most brilliant minds in history (Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, George Bernard Shaw, Winston Churchill, etc.) openly despised school, and still we have not learned from this fact. Apparently we’re still not doing something right...
  27. 27 Sarah Richter
    Yes, it’s about who you are. Experienced and wise in your current realm, you are a like a young,firm rose bud. As you step out of high school into the next years of your life, the bud opens. The petals of who you are, what you want, where you go, what you do, and why unfold into a fuller bloom.
  28. 28 Steven
    First of all I think you are right on Lindsea. I think there is so much more to life then the fractions and essays and grades we get in school. But I do believe that a formal education is very important. There is a lot to learn for public schools. But there is so much more out there to learn. Grades have become a way of “measuring” a persons worth. What person can be measured by how much they know about atoms and elements, or how efficiently they can summarize a book?

    I completely agree with Blair. School is a tool. It should be USED to its fullest extent. It is one of the greatest tools we have. (And it’s mostly free in this great country of ours.) Society takes grades to seriously. They use them to measure a person’s ability and potential.

    I am not exactly what you would call a highly intelligent person. I talk slow and read slow and am a terrible speller. But I love learning and have had a 4.0 for the past 3 yeas and a 3.8 this last semester. All grades do is measure how well you retain information and how hard you are willing to work. Don’t get me wrong, these are both very important things but I think society is far too absorbed in grades. Schools should find a way to focus more on actually learning, practical skills, and really world applications rather than average test scores. It seams to me that there is far too much we are missing out on, and far more to be learned.

    Maybe I am way off on this. That’s just how i see it.

  29. 29 ...
    thats pretty sweet
  30. 30 julia
    I belive as a freshmen that high school is a fun place to be. you can do sports, activities, ect. i even lettered this year which makes it even better. but yeah being in high school is like waiting for the dream to live on your own and kinda in a way be free from parents and school.
  31. 31 4ways
    I like what you are saying, but I think that to get to the point of being able to take the unexpected you need to be prepared by taking a few of the “expected”s. For example, you need to get through school to know what to do with the unexpected things you want to do in the future, because then you will be unprepared for the unexpected. If that makes sense! :)
  32. 32 US History Notes
    I have to say I’m really impressed with your posts and blog overall. I stumbled on your site accidentally but am now happy I did. I’ll be stopping in to read more often now. Thanks again !
    Thanks,
    Lou
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